What is the spark? What is connection? What is clicking with someone?
The spark is wanting to write back to them before they've even written back to you.
The spark is being excited to see them come online.
The spark is finding even their so-so jokes and random comments really funny.
The spark is having intrusive thoughts about them all day (and night).
The spark is wanting to 'like' almost all of their Facebook posts.
The spark is realizing you get a silly little grin on your face whenever you think about them.
The spark is feeling happily anxious about the possibility of seeing them.
The spark is getting a tingle through your body when you spot them across the room.
The spark is not wanting the time to end when you're together.
The spark is fantasizing about future get-togethers.
The spark is fitting your schedule around them, rather than fitting them into your schedule.
The spark is feeling comfortable with them, like you've know each other forever.
The spark is sharing parts of yourself you normally keep hidden.
The spark is knowing that even from day one, you would help them out of any jam.
The spark is being at home in their arms.
The spark is having a list of reasons why it wouldn't work, but still wanting to be with them.
The spark is wanting them to be happy, even if that means being happy with someone else.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
What makes a date a date?
What makes a one-on-one get-together into a 'date'? In the last few weeks, I've been asked to get dinner or go out 'sometime' by 6 guys over Facebook messaging, and thus I've been thinking a lot lately about whether those outings would be 'dates'.
The obvious first requirement for a 'date' is that there be two people of the opposite sex (or the sex to which each is attracted). In a good date, they would be also attracted especially to each other, but I've been on a few dates where I wasn't attracted to the guy (thankfully it's been very few of those!) So attraction to each other is not a necessary condition for a 'date', but is it a sufficient condition? I would argue that it's not - I've been out more than a few times one-on-one with guys where there was mutual attraction (and I'm talking about mental, emotional, etc attraction in addition to physical attraction), but yet those outings were not 'dates' in my mind - although perhaps they were 'dates' to the guys...
Which brings up the non-mutuality of the 'date'hood of an outing! It's entirely possible for one person to think that an outing is a date and the other person not to - or for both of the directly involved parties to not think it's a date, but other outside parties to think that it is!
But anyway, back to what makes an outing into a 'date' for me... Asking for a one-on-one meeting after only seeing each other in group settings tends to imply 'date' - as well as using the 'date' phrases such as "we should go get coffee sometime".
One of my friends that I was talking to brought up the uncertainty and thus butterflies that often accompanies a date. Does he like me? Does she like me? Is anything romantic going to happen? Did I say the right thing, or was that totally stupid? I think the uncertainty is closer to a necessary condition for a 'date' because if I'm certain (either that it's just friendship or that we're already together), then it's not a 'date' in my mind.
What makes a get-together into a 'date' for you?
The obvious first requirement for a 'date' is that there be two people of the opposite sex (or the sex to which each is attracted). In a good date, they would be also attracted especially to each other, but I've been on a few dates where I wasn't attracted to the guy (thankfully it's been very few of those!) So attraction to each other is not a necessary condition for a 'date', but is it a sufficient condition? I would argue that it's not - I've been out more than a few times one-on-one with guys where there was mutual attraction (and I'm talking about mental, emotional, etc attraction in addition to physical attraction), but yet those outings were not 'dates' in my mind - although perhaps they were 'dates' to the guys...
Which brings up the non-mutuality of the 'date'hood of an outing! It's entirely possible for one person to think that an outing is a date and the other person not to - or for both of the directly involved parties to not think it's a date, but other outside parties to think that it is!
But anyway, back to what makes an outing into a 'date' for me... Asking for a one-on-one meeting after only seeing each other in group settings tends to imply 'date' - as well as using the 'date' phrases such as "we should go get coffee sometime".
One of my friends that I was talking to brought up the uncertainty and thus butterflies that often accompanies a date. Does he like me? Does she like me? Is anything romantic going to happen? Did I say the right thing, or was that totally stupid? I think the uncertainty is closer to a necessary condition for a 'date' because if I'm certain (either that it's just friendship or that we're already together), then it's not a 'date' in my mind.
What makes a get-together into a 'date' for you?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Connection / Click
What is connection? Is it something that you can consciously create, or is it that magical 'click' that you just feel (or don't feel as the case may be)?
For me, connection & 'clicking' seems to be something that just happens and is either there or it's not. Having a connection with someone makes pursuing a relationship easy - I want to talk with the person, I want to spend time with them, and sharing my life with them leaves me feeling better. Since I'm introverted & currently kinda stressed from work (and having to be social/outgoing at work), if I don't click with someone, then answering their messages becomes something on my to-do list rather than something that enlivens & excites me.
One of my friends doesn't experience connection in the same way I do, and he's always telling me that I need to build the connection by spending time with the person (online or in real life). I wonder if I can get myself to do that, to work on building a connection - since I experience 'clicking' with someone so infrequently (but the few times that I do connect, it's great!) There are so many interesting guys out there that might be great for me, but I don't feel that immediate connection with them. I wonder if there's a way to create the 'click' to make the dating process easier. (Or maybe the immediate connection is a valid signal, and I should just wait until I feel the 'click' naturally.)
For me, connection & 'clicking' seems to be something that just happens and is either there or it's not. Having a connection with someone makes pursuing a relationship easy - I want to talk with the person, I want to spend time with them, and sharing my life with them leaves me feeling better. Since I'm introverted & currently kinda stressed from work (and having to be social/outgoing at work), if I don't click with someone, then answering their messages becomes something on my to-do list rather than something that enlivens & excites me.
One of my friends doesn't experience connection in the same way I do, and he's always telling me that I need to build the connection by spending time with the person (online or in real life). I wonder if I can get myself to do that, to work on building a connection - since I experience 'clicking' with someone so infrequently (but the few times that I do connect, it's great!) There are so many interesting guys out there that might be great for me, but I don't feel that immediate connection with them. I wonder if there's a way to create the 'click' to make the dating process easier. (Or maybe the immediate connection is a valid signal, and I should just wait until I feel the 'click' naturally.)
Monday, March 15, 2010
eHarmony
So I took the test and posted a profile on eHarmony, but I'm not liking it. The questions that you can answer on your profile are so generic that everyone seems the same and I can't tell if someone is interesting or not. I end up closing matches for stupid little reasons, rather than because I actually feel like I wouldn't click with the guy.
Also the 55 guys or so that they've 'matched' me with didn't seem like guys that I would normally be interested in. Maybe it's because the type of guy that I'm looking for isn't on eHarmony, and the matching algorithm is just doing the best that it can. But I've found much more interesting people on okcupid, people that I have a lot in common with in terms of interests.
Although eHarmony does make me think & ponder... On okcupid and irl, I tend to focus on finding guys who I have things in common with (interests in math/science, cogsci/learning, movement/dance, etc), and while I've certainly met some cool people and had a few good relationships, I haven't found 'the one' or whatever. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong thing - maybe I need to go more of the eHarmony route, trying to find someone who matches me on more of the relationship 'must-haves', 'life-skills', and 'personality profile' rather than someone who matches me on interests.
Also the 55 guys or so that they've 'matched' me with didn't seem like guys that I would normally be interested in. Maybe it's because the type of guy that I'm looking for isn't on eHarmony, and the matching algorithm is just doing the best that it can. But I've found much more interesting people on okcupid, people that I have a lot in common with in terms of interests.
Although eHarmony does make me think & ponder... On okcupid and irl, I tend to focus on finding guys who I have things in common with (interests in math/science, cogsci/learning, movement/dance, etc), and while I've certainly met some cool people and had a few good relationships, I haven't found 'the one' or whatever. Maybe I'm looking for the wrong thing - maybe I need to go more of the eHarmony route, trying to find someone who matches me on more of the relationship 'must-haves', 'life-skills', and 'personality profile' rather than someone who matches me on interests.
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